“we just can’t communicate” and other lies we tell ourselves

you’re in constant communication with people. i promise.

If I could categorize the issues people bring to couples therapy, I would say 99.9% of them have something to do with an inability to communicate. It makes complete sense to me why feeling like you’re screaming into the void would be so distressing. The fact that someone you chose to spend your life with so grossly misunderstands everything you’re saying can drive you crazy! I get it! 

But it’s important that we differentiate between “we don’t communicate” and “we don’t communicate effectively.” The former implies that you and your partner have absolutely no interactions (this does not include giving your partner the silent treatment because that is LOADED with things you’re trying to communicate without speaking…). And the latter means you’re both communicating - to the point of exhaustion - and the other person is completely missing the meat of what you’re saying. 

Can you ever remember a time when you said something to someone you love, and they explained, either in the moment or at a later time, their interpretation of what you said, and how it upset them? Was your reaction “holy crap that’s what you got from what I said?!?!?” 

That, my friends, is at the root of the inability to communicate with your partner effectively. It’s not that your partner’s interpretation of what you said was incorrect, and it’s not that you’re in the wrong for what you said to your partner (operating under the assumption that you weren’t intentionally mean) It’s that there is a valuing of your own values over your partner’s. You believe your way of approaching the world is the most logical, and your partner thinks the same thing about their approach to the world. And when you think your way is the way, your language can be reflective of this in the form of critical language against your partner. Critical language shuts down our ability to engage in meaningful conversation; we’re too pissed off to be productive.

I believe this is almost always done subconsciously. Of course there are toxic people out there who do things to intentionally manipulate their partner, but we’re not talking to them right now! I hate to make sweeping generalizations, but those types of people aren’t reading essays that outline the ways in which we can improve our relationships. 

I digress.

There’s an awesome & easy formula that has a very high success rate when it comes to sharing with your partner. Grab a pen, screenshot this, call your local news station - you’re gonna wanna write this down: “I feel - about what - I need**.” Notice how there’s very little room for criticism or blaming language here. You are explaining to your partner how you feel about a situation, and what you need. It’s hard for your partner to refute this, or feel like you’re attacking them. 

Once you start effectively communicating with your partner - communicating in a way where both of you walk away from the interaction feeling understood - a lot of the other pieces within the relationship will fall into place. 

**saying “I feel like you’re an a-hole” is an improper use of this formula. I know you know this, but I just want to cover my bases.